Paranormal Activity
by SirIntegrity
Summary: After watching and critiquing the ever-popular fakeumentaries "Paranormal Activity 1 and 2", weird things begin to happen around the Hellsing Manor that even Sir Integra is hard-pressed to explain. The logical conclusion? An incubus is after Integra. One-shot broken into three digestible chappies.
1. The Beginning

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Except for an incubus in a jar I release on unsuspecting straight men.

Integra was more than a sufficient leader. In fact, she was downright successful in her business of exterminating the undead. But, much like every rose had its thorn, Integra had her weaknesses. Though her curt and sharp way of speaking got her point across, it did nothing for her popularity with her soldiers.

To help with PR, Walter had ushered in horror movie night, once a month and while not mandatory, it was…strongly encouraged with incentives to avoid negative consequences. Such as bathroom cleaning duty to whomever didn't wish to participate.

Usually the movies were a laughable sort of "horror"…but apparently the premise and trailer were deceiving for tonight's selection.

Walter flicked the lights on and the Wild Geese moved faster than vampires in the sunlight; straightening their posture, wiping the fear from their faces and checking each other for their peers' reactions. Seras was curled up in the fetal position, practically in Pip's lap. Pip tried to comfort the terrified Draculina, rubbing her back while his one eye was wide in alarm. For once, the mess hall was dead silent.

"…let's see if that alternate ending's any better…" Integra murmured, reaching for the remote.

"NO!" Seras screamed, making at least half of the soldiers jump. Integra glanced at her.

"Why not?"

"Because that entire movie is satanic and demonic and should be burned and, and…" Integra heard Pip's bones creak as she held onto him harder, sobbing bloody tears into his uniform. She took a survey of the room.

"I didn't think it was that bad… Alucard?"

Seras chanced a look towards her master. He usually laughed the entire-

She screamed at the top of her lungs, tearing herself from Pip and jumping onto the ceiling. The troop of highly trained mercenaries who had been through more battles than a history book contained screeched bloody murder and jumped out of their chairs. Alucard was face up on the floor, his blown off head resting in a pool of his own blood.

"WHEN ZE 'ELL DID ZAT 'APPEN?" Pip shrieked, crouched up on his chair as though mice were loose. Integra shrugged.

"About fifteen minutes into the movie. It was that loud gunshot you blamed on the door closing," she nudged his body with the toe of her shoe, "You can regenerate now, it's over."

The blood flowed back to his head, his face taking shape once more.

"If I heard that whelp scream "MICAH!" one more time, I was going to do very unpleasant things to innocent people."

"Understandable."

"There was no "h", and the "i" made my soul die a little more. Did the movie get any better?"

"No."

"I figured as much," he sat up, "And the ending that "everyone" was talking about?"

"The demon dragged her down the stairs, Micah followed, there was struggling, heavy footsteps, Micah got thrown at the camera, she looks at him, then grins at the camera. There's an epilogue and no credits."

Alucard stared at her.

"…this is what the horror genre's come to? Some lame ending to a mediocre plot?"

"Just because you're a heartless bloodthirsty jerk doesn't mean the rest of us aren't so extremely desensitized!" Seras objected. Alucard craned his head to look up at her.

"…the hell are you doing on the ceiling?"

"…nothing."

"Then come down."

"Heck no," Alucard didn't fight her any further, turning back to Integra, "Isn't there an alternate ending or two?"

"NO!"

**III**

Integra had lost all faith in her men after that incident. A fake-umentary with horrible cheesiness scared them that bad and they were supposed to be fighting the real thing? She expected it of Seras, but the Captain was a surprise.

To her shock, the next movie night was "Paranormal Activity 2".

"They requested it," Walter informed her, "I suspect they want to prove themselves. Either that or they want to know what happens to Katie."

Integra sighed.

"My guess is the former."

She started to wonder how severe the absence punishment was when she spotted Seras in the makeshift theater, a nervous Pip glancing warily at her hand holding his. Poor boy; one good unintentional squeeze and she could snap his wrist in half. Alucard formed behind Integra, growling at Seras.

"Hell no. You slept in my coffin for a week after the last one," he snarled. Seras's big red eyes looked innocently up at him.

"I may have overreacted a bit, but it's all in perspective now. Besides, everyone knows that the sequel's never as good as the original." Integra blinked, turning to Alucard.

"Speaking of, why are you here? You preferred suicide over surviving "Paranormal Activity 1"," Alucard smirked.

"I'm not here to watch the movie; I'm here to watch everyone watching the movie. Far more entertaining."

And so, the house lights went out and the movie began.

**III**

Integra blinked when the lights flicked on, stifling a yawn. She stretched, rubbing at her eyes and glancing around.

The mercenaries were unabashedly shaking, cowering back in their seats and looking stunned. Seras was sobbing into the crook of Pip's neck, curled up like a Cirque de Solis performer.

"It was wooooooorse," she wailed. Pip was staring at Integra like she was insane.

"…'ow did you sleep zrough zat kitchen scene?" He asked.

"I was tired," she insisted. She turned towards Alucard.

His eyes were glued to the screen, looking furious.

"What the hell happened to the dog?"

"Abbey went to ze vet, remember?"

"Yeah, but it never came back. Husband got his neck snapped, wife got thrown at the camera, boyfriend's AWOL, Katie took the baby. Even the daughter was said to have come back from wherever the hell she was to see her family's murdered corpses…_but the dog never came back from the vet's_."

"I zink zat girl's a little more concerned with ozer zings besides picking up ze dog…"

"So she's just going to leave it there?" Pip glanced down at Seras, who was giving moans like a suffering animal. He hugged her tighter.

"What I want to know is what was scratched on ze door. Personally, I zink it was MILF, referring to ze sister and standing for "mozer I'd like to fu-""

"Idiot. It was "MILK", referring to the breast milk of a mother, pointing to the fact that the demon wanted the unweaned son of Katie's sister."

"…is this like looking for the word "sex" in Disney movies? It sounds about as pointless," Integra scoffed. Alucard shook his head.

"No, there was definitely a message carved out. Here, we'll skip to where you fell asleep at." A demonic screech of protest came from the back of Seras's throat. Alucard stared at her, then slumped down in his seat, "We'll watch it tomorrow then, Master."

Integra sighed, fishing out a cigar.

"The big mysteries to me are why the exorcists are never around, why they want to use an Ouija board, and why the females of this family are so attracted to complete jerks." She glanced down at Pip's lap, "…did you seriously piss yourself?"

"'ell no! Seras spilled 'er soda on my lap!"

She didn't bother to point out that Seras didn't drink soda. If Mr. Bernadotte wanted to scramble for scraps of his dignity, she'd let him.

**III**

"Get off my laptop."

"I'm just borrowing it for a few minutes."

"What on earth would you need the internet for anyway?"

"I'm going to find out what the hell happened to Abbey…"

"Oh for god's sake Alucard, it's a dog in a movie!"

"It's what she symbolizes."

Integra was about to ask just what a German shepherd in a low budget horror movie "symbolized" when Seras and Pip strode in, Seras setting up a stepladder while Pip pulled out a power drill and a camera.

"…you can't be serious," Integra muttered.

"I swear to god I heard something last night!" Seras insisted.

"Somezing moved my magazines!" Pip said. Integra sighed, rubbing her eyes.

"Seras, there are thousands of things you could've heard last night and Mr. Bernadotte, I can almost guarantee you either don't remember moving your own Playboys or one of your men browsed your collection."

"'ey, my magazines are much more tasteful zan zose dirty run-of-ze-mill publications."

"You humans are so content with the answers you're given. Everyone's satisfied with the "she's at the vet and the stepdaughter will eventually pick her up" solution…" Alucard continued to slouch in Sir Integra's chair, scrolling down and staring at the computer screen.

Pip climbed up the ladder while Seras held it steady.

"You two have lost it. There is absolutely no reason to install security cameras," Integra growled.

"Then you won't mind if we do it," Seras quipped back.

"It'z a little late anyhoo," Pip said, pausing as he started to drill. He leaned back to check the angle, "We've got one in ze bunkers, ze mess 'all, ze kitchen, ze living room, Seras's bedroom, your bedroom…"

"The hell?"

"'ey, paranormal shit iz attracted to you. All we need iz one on ze front porch and 'ere."

"Nothing ever happens on the front porch," Seras reminded him.

"Right, so scratch ze front porch one. And we're going to carry around a little 'and'eld one, juuust in case."

"…you do realize that they weren't really home movies, don't you?" Pip hopped off the ladder and Seras folded it up, the pair glancing at each other. They knew something was going on, regardless of the coincidence of what movies they had been watching recently.

Integra sighed, hanging her head. She would just have to ride this out until they realized how utterly ridiculous their behavior was.

"You're got to be kidding me," Alucard drawled. Integra glanced hopefully at him for back up, "They're making a third one."

Hope lost.

**III**

Geez…this story's been on the backburner for quite some time (you can tell because the third one had been newly announced when I got to Alucard discussing his blockbuster idea). I was one of the gullible people who was scared crap-less after watching both "Paranormal Activity" and its sequel; it's a lot less laughable when you have actually dealt with supernatural stuff, and demonic movies in general I stay the frick away from. But then, after my brother chastised me about how much of a wimp I was, I thought about Integra and Alucard's reactions to it, especially since they deal with paranormal activity every day. So, yeah. I wrote a crack fic. It's not really that long, but I still have to break it up some so people don't run away in fright.


	2. The Action

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Except for an incubus in a jar I release on unsuspecting straight men.

**Camera Four: Living Room**

Integra felt like she had been teleported into an episode of one of those ghost hunter shows. Every little noise, every unexplained movement, every weird behavior was blamed on a nonexistent entity. The entire mansion smelled like burnt sage. It was like they had forgotten all about the real supernatural enemies they fought on a nightly basis in favor of focusing on their little imaginary fiend.

And the only other person she could really confide in about this nonsense…well, every time the subject was broached he'd start muttering about some bloody mutt.

So, with no end in sight, Integra was attempting to find blind spots in each camera-ed room so as to get some privacy. Privacy from people, however, was an entirely different challenge.

"Sir, what are you doing?" Seras asked as she spotted Integra huddled up in a corner. Integra straightened, shaking her head.

"It's nothing."

"Are you sure? You seem a bit perturbed."

"What's "perturbing" me is that damn camera. Turn it off, Captain," she hissed.

Pip stood by Seras's side, his little handheld staring at Integra mercilessly.

"It is off."

"No it isn't, I see the red light."

Pip covered the light with a finger.

"Integra, it's alright to be afraid. We all are." Seras assured her. Integra sighed, folding her arms.

"I'm not afraid, I just… Know what's going on."

"You do?"

"Yes, it's happened before. I…had hoped it had stopped." Pip zoomed in on her face. Integra glared into the lens, "I swear to god, I'll break that thing."

"Pip, turn it off," Seras said exasperatedly.

"Fine, but if we miss somezing…" The camera gave a "beep" and he set it down.

Seras ushered Integra towards the couch. The director looked…uncomfortable. Nervous. Ashamed, even. Was there a reason she was trying to brush off what was going on?

She sighed again, crossing her legs and folding her hands.

"Truth be told, the occurrences are nothing new. It happened a lot more frequently when I was a little girl… Mr. Bernadotte." Pip quickly put the camera back down.

Integra adjusted her glasses.

"My grandfather made a deal with a demon in exchange for power. Each generation afterwards has had to deal with it in their own way. It's…followed me since I was a little girl. I'd have horrible nightmares, then wake up to a blurry figure at the foot of my bed. Watching me."

"Are you serious?" Seras murmured, wide-eyed.

"Dead serious. I'd reach for my glasses to get a better view, but by that time he was gone."

"He…?"

A loud thud made Pip jerk violently and Seras jump a clear foot in the air. They spun around and saw Alucard giggling like a little girl.

"Yes. His name is Alucard and he lives in the basement." Integra finished dryly, smirking. He clapped his hands excitedly.

"You two are just too easy…"

**Camera Seven: Integra's office**

Integra thought about hiding when she heard the footsteps running towards her office, but she was a tad bit too big to curl up under her desk nowadays.

"WE FOUND SOMETHING!"

Seras assaulted the desk with her laptop, causing Integra to jump. Integra sighed, adjusting her glasses.

"And what, pray tell, did you find?"

"Proof that something's after you." There was always something after her…

She scrolled over and pressed "play" on the media player. The clip was of Integra sleeping, occasionally turning over, or adjusting.

"…yes, I sleep on my stomach…"

"No, it's coming up in a minute."

Integra continued to watch.

"There! Did you see that?"

"…I turned my head."

"No, it's not about you!" She dragged the buffer back a few seconds, "Look at your door!"

The door swayed open a few inches.

"Oh my god…"

"Yes! You know what this means?"

"I need to get Walter to fix my door. I don't want it swinging open like that at the smallest breeze…" Integra mused. Seras growled.

"No, Sir, that door was tightly closed," Integra turned to stare at her.

"…how the hell do you know that?"

"I checked it," Seras admitted. Integra paled.

"Dear god, Officer Victoria…"

"Now you understand?"

"Yes. You're starting to make me concerned about your mental well-being. Your vampiric protective tendencies are turning into borderline stalker-ish traits. Oh, wait, you're looking for me to believe in your little ghost, aren't you?" She relaxed, smirking. Seras frowned.

"Sir Integra, there _is_ something going on in the mansion, whether you choose to believe it or not."

"Alright," she waved her hand dismissively, "Go get your French Shaggy and solve the mystery, you meddling kid you."

If it hadn't have been her boss or, more dangerously, her master's boss, Seras would've done something horrible to her for making fun of what was vitally significant.

**Camera Three: The Kitchen (More Specifically Dining Table)**

"SIR INTEGRA!"

Integra glanced up from her dinner wearily. She was going to break Seras's laptop and Mr. Bernadotte's recorder if they continued this rubbish.

"Miss Victoria, you're wasting your time. Walter checked on my magical door yesterday and I personally made sure that I bolted it with three separate locks before I went to bed."

Seras froze in place, looking horror stricken.

"…are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Because it moved again."

"…are you shitting me?"

"I wouldn't shit you, Sir. Look at the date of this film," she set the laptop near Integra and played it.

Pip's rolling camera caught the fleeting expressions on the director's face; first confusion, then disbelief, then… could it possibly be? Fear? It was shaken off before he could tell for sure.

Integra returned to her dinner.

"There's probably a perfectly rational explanation for all of this. We've just overlooked it."

**Camera Seven:**

"Just hear me out."

"Alright, fine, give it to me."

"Sixteen years have passed since the incident. The baby is now practically a man, raised by his demonically possessed aunt to worship Satan. The stepdaughter has dedicated her life to training to become a professional demon hunter and destroying her Aunt Katie or whatever the hell that chick's name is. Abbey has also been trained in how to track down demons and finds Aunt Katie and Hunter. Half siblings engage in the fight of the decade to the death."

"…that actually sounds pretty interesting."

"I'm hoping to get Michael Bay behind it. He's excellent with explosions."

Integra and Alucard glanced up from their conversation as the door opened, Walter walking in.

"Walter, you should listen to my idea for the third Paranormal Activity movie."

"In a minute, Alucard," he said, looking slightly frazzled.

"What is it?" Integra asked. Walter frowned.

"Sir, I found a pool cleaner in the garden this morning."

She stared at him for a long time before speaking.

"…we don't even have a pool."

"My point exactly."

**Camera Six: Integra's bedroom**

This had gone on bloody long enough, Integra seethed mentally as she woke from a dead sleep to Seras squealing, right before she jumped into her bed.

"Mast_eeeeee_r!" She wailed, curling into her like a child. Integra felt around for her glasses and put them on, glaring at the nosferatu-in-training.

"I am not above killing you, Officer Victoria, and I have a gun filled with silver bullets within arm's reach."

"Sir, this is much _much_ worse than before. This, this is… You just have to see!"

**Camera Five: Seras's bedroom**

Integra tried to ignore the looks she was getting from Pip, pulling her robe tighter around her. Shorts and a tank top were as good as naked around the Wild Geese, especially when they'd never seen her in anything less than a suit. She leaned over Seras's shoulder, focusing on the door in the video as she had several times before. Seras shook her head, gently redirecting her attention towards the bed.

She was just about to smash the computer at the insanity of it all when the covers lifted on the unused side of Integra's bed. An impression formed as an invisible being seemed to slip into bed beside her, spooning her unconscious form.

Seras watched as Integra went as pale as a vampire, staring at the screen with all of the horror Seras herself felt. This wasn't as easy to shrug off as a door moving, and not nearly as harmless.

"…if this is Alucard, I'm going to _kill_ him until he's dead for good."

"You sent him on a recon mission, remember?"

"He's not back yet?"

"No."

Integra straightened and put on her best poker face, walking purposefully towards the door. She muttered under her breath something about a practical joke and disappeared from view. Seras let out a tiny whimper and Pip patted her shoulder reassuringly.

"Don't worry, mon chere. We'll catch zis invizable bastard."

**Camera Two: Mess Hall**

A tense aura had settled around the manor ever since that night. Integra didn't shrug off the allegations of her house being possessed as easily, mostly because she was at a loss as to how to explain the event. Alucard had been irate when he had seen the footage, going on a full-fledged demon hunt around the mansion. It seemed as though the family pet didn't like other supernatural beings getting cozy with his master. The tension of the bosses and commanding officers rustled the Wild Geese's feathers, causing them to take the suggestion of eating plenty of garlic and sleeping with a crucifix more seriously than before.

"Look at this, Pip," Seras said. The mercenary flicked on his eternally present camera and scooted his chair closer to her. Seras figured he thought himself to be the next Spielberg with how often he played with that thing.

She nodded towards the screen.

"It says here that there's a particular subset of demon known as an incubus. They…prey upon sleeping women and…engage in certain activities with them… To either gain energy from the woman or to impregnate them."

"So…zey fuck to get strength and 'ave babies?" Pip summarized. Seras winced.

"Precisely… I'm worried that this is the sort of demon that's been plaguing the director." Pip scratched his chin.

"You mean some people actually would want to screw 'er?" Seras glared at him. He held his hands up defensively, "Just saying," he insisted, motioning back towards the screen, "Also, should we be trusting zis Wikipedia website? I 'eard zey aren't exactly the most reliable source."

"It's not like we're writing a college paper; I'm sure they've got the gist of this correct."

"You better get a look at zis, Captain!" One of the Geese yelled from the mess hall's window.

Pip and Seras jogged over to the gathering crowd, scanning the outside. At first they didn't see what all of the fuss was about, but then they spotted her. Integra was crouched on her front porch, balancing on the balls of her feet with her arms resting on her knees. Her hair blew in the wind as she remained motionless, just...staring off into space.

"I zink we should make sure she is okay," Pip murmured thoughtfully.

Integra still hadn't moved by the time they got to her, still as a statue.

"Master…" Seras murmured, creeping closer to her while Pip switched to the night vision setting on his camera. Integra didn't acknowledge the police girl, "Sir Integra, please, if you're trying to joke back at us it isn't…"

Integra's head whipped around suddenly and Seras screamed, nearly tumbling off the porch. Pip took his eye away from the viewfinder to be sure it wasn't a trick. But there was no digital deception; staring coldly at them weren't the director's icy blue eyes, but two glowing red ones.

"Sir Integra!" Pip shouted. Her lips curled back as she gave a wolfish snarl.

"Leave!" A raspy voice demanded through Integra's lips. Pip and Seras, knowing no other way to help their fallen commander, did as the demon in possession of her requested.

**Camera Three: **

Integra hummed as she entered the kitchen the next morning. She had slept wonderfully for the first time in a long time, and demonic forces couldn't be farther from her mind.

"Good morning Miss Integra," Walter greeted her.

"Good morning, Walter," she said pleasantly. He poured her a cup of tea and she nodded her thanks, leaning her back against the counter.

"It seems as though we're going to have a nice sunny weekend."

"That's good. I was starting to wonder if spring would ever come."

She glanced over at the kitchen's island, spotting a Ken doll and a Barbie doll on one of the burners. The dolls were both stripped and positioned in a rather suggestive pose, looking as though Ken was going to do a push-up over Barbie who was stretching her legs on either side of Ken's hips.

"What's that about?" She asked Walter. Walter glanced at it and tilted his head.

"I really have no idea. Perhaps a prank from one of the soldiers?"

"Or an innuendo from Alucard," she grumbled, shaking her head, "Get them out of here."

"Yes, mi'lady."

Integra glanced out the sliding glass door, admiring the garden Walter toiled over. Flowers were just starting to come into bloom and by mid-June the garden would be alive with colors, the bees buzzing as they-

Cabinet doors flew open. Drawers flew open. The oven door, the refrigerator doors, the microwave door, all flew open at the exact same time. Glasses shattered, silverware clattered, and food splattered as they launched from their respective places. Integra, ever the lady, screeched.

"MOTHER FUCKER!"

Her half-full cup joined the graveyard of supplies as she ran out of the kitchen, fearing for her life quite rationally. Now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she was convinced an evil had taken hold of the Hellsing manor and wanted _her_.

**Camera One: Bunkers**

"This isn't like anything I've ever encountered before. Broad daylight! Broad bloody _daylight_! In the brightest room in the entire mansion!"

"Relax, Sir, Pip and I have been doing research, and we think it's a sex-crazed demon-"

"Why are you bringing up Alucard? I repeat, it was broad bloody daylight!"

"Not Alucard, Sir Integra, an incubus. Zey literally are sex-crazed demons, feeding off of sexual energies and impregnating women."

"…oh dear holy Jesus."

Seras had never seen Integra in such a tizzy before, pacing around the beds and smoking her cigar as though it was oxygen. Her eyes were wide with dismay, hair disheveled and voice oddly high-pitched. It was enough to make Seras want to hide under the bed.

Pip leaned over to whisper in Seras's ear, smelling strongly of tobacco with just as tinge of alcohol.

"We shouldn't 'ave told 'er about ze possession on ze front porch."

"It's her body and she deserves to know if something happens to it," Seras hissed back, before looking at Sir Integra.

Integra huffed out a cloud of smoke.

"What is there to do about this? This place is bloody _loaded_ with crucifixes and holy water and Eucharist wafers, and yet this demon still penetrates." Pip was about to comment on Integra's choice of word with a witty "zat's w'at she said", but decided that this was not the time for such humor.

"We can continue burning sage; it worked for a little while in the movie," Seras offered. Integra sighed, and Seras knew "little while" wouldn't be good enough for the commander.

Poor thing. She was just as frightened as the rest of them when she didn't know how to stop something.

"We could contact it, see w'at it wants," Pip suggested. Seras glared at him.

"First of all, we're fairly certain who it wants," she glanced at Sir Integra, "Second, when has a Ouija board ever made anything better?"

" I waz not talking about a Ouija board," Pip insisted, "And we know 'ho, but not w'at. It could just want some bebbies."

"And how do you propose we contact this incubus, Mr. Bernadotte?" Sir Integra hissed.

**Pip's Camera**

Set delicately on the counter at the perfect angle, Pip's camera caught both the bathroom mirror and the three figures, even in the pitch dark.

"But we're not looking for a "Bloody Mary"," Integra argued, failing to see the connection between Bloody Mary and an incubus.

"Maybe she will patch us zrough," Pip said. Seras shook her head.

"We'll just say "incubus"; I'm sure he'll come to that generalization. Alright, all together now."

The trio spun in a clockwise circle at precisely midnight.

"Incubus." They spun around again, trying their hardest to stay in unison, "Incubus." Two of their hearts pounded harder at the third turn, while Seras's unnecessary breath caught in her throat, "Incubus."

At first, nothing happened. Sir Integra felt frustrated and humiliated for going along with this grade school sleepover hoax. Of course the Frenchman couldn't be right, they should just all-

The temperature dropped dramatically in the bathroom. Their breath misted as well as the bathroom mirror, and Seras shivered out of habit.

"I waz expecting a sex demon to be a bit…warmer," Pip admitted.

Slowly, letters began to form on the mirror's mist, as though being written by an invisible finger. Taking its sweet time, the demon finally spelled out "_THE HELL YOU WANT, BITCHES?_" Integra was expecting some hostility, but not quite that much.

"Please, Mr. Incubus," Seras spoke up, which was probably wise considering she was the best diplomat of the group, "We've noticed your signs…but we still don't understand what you really want with us."

The demon considered this for a moment, then started writing. "_TEGGIE'S VIRGINITY_" Integra cringed. She hated that nickname.

"I don't want to sleep with an incubus," she growled.

"_IT COULD BE FUN_" The demon insisted, "_WE'D HAVE VERY POWERFUL, VERY CUTE BABIES_"

"No thank you." She should invest in a chastity belt…

"_IT WASN'T A QUESTION_"

The trio exchanged terrified glances. Integra was starting to contemplate sharing Seras's coffin.

**Camera Four: Living Room**

"…what?" Alucard drawled, his face as blank as a sheet of paper. Seras sucked in a deep breath.

"There's an incubus in the Hellsing manor that is determined to deflower Integra and impregnate her," she repeated in a rush. Alucard turned to his master, who only nodded gravely.

Pip had (wisely) opted out of the sit-down with the No-Life King, the girls deciding it was high time to let him in on the recent activities. Alucard's lips curled back, baring his fangs.

"Oh _hell_ no. If I don't get any, then some half-bit demon sure as hell isn't."

Alucard was suddenly on his feet, storming away as he cursed incubi under his breath. Integra and Seras both felt a little better after telling Alucard; if anyone could deal with a threat, he could.

**Camera Five:**

The robotic Cyclops continued to stare at the room, door slightly ajar. Seras's bedcoffin was open and unoccupied, and it seemed as though it was a quiet night for once. The silence was broken by the sound of heavy footsteps coming down the hall.

"I don't care what you are or what you've come to accomplish," Alucard's voice rumbled from outside the room, "But the virgin you are trying to violate has my protection over her, so go back to hell with your genitalia tucked between your legs before I force you without them."

There was no response to Alucard's statements, and the nosferatu growled.

"You're not such a strong demon; you're nothing more than a little imp. Possession and mirror-fogging? Please. No wonder hell didn't want you, you pathetic excuse for a tormentor. Come out so I can show you how a real monster conquers their enemy!"

The challenge went unmet, driving Alucard to rage.

"I SAID FIGHT ME YOU COWARD! FIGHT ME, AND LET'S SETTLE THIS! FIGHT! ME!"

Sounds bombarded the microphone; bodies being thrown against the wall and ground, claws against stone, war cries and screeches, snaps and breaks and flesh being torn. Then everything was still again. A mild shuffle like a retreat, then eight more hours of dead footage.

**Pip's Camera:**

Integra felt sick to her stomach after the latest review of significant clips. Without saying a word, she snuffed out her cigar and left her office. Pip and Seras followed closely behind.

"Alucard!" Integra shouted as she descended into the basement, her voice cracking ever so slightly, "ALUCARD!"

There was no response and Seras whimpered. Integra pounded on the door to his room.

"ALUCARD!"

"Go away…"

Grateful to at least get a response, Integra did the exact opposite of his wishes and opened the door to the vampire's sanctum. The camera did a sweep, but there was no one to see. Integra sighed and approached his coffin, carefully lifting the lid.

"Oh my god…" She murmured.

"Don't touch my coffin," Alucard mumbled.

Pip craned his camera to get a good shot…and his hands started shaking. Alucard was curled up within his bed, staring at the side with as much enthusiasm as a dead rat. His face was covered in deep scratches, clothes tattered and stained with blood. Seras bit back a sob.

"Master…"

"Alucard…" Integra reached as though to touch his shoulder, but even in this moment she couldn't bring herself to do it, and the arm retreated. Alucard showed no reaction to their sentiments, "…what…?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he grumbled, tucking his chin to his chest like a three-year-old who had lost a game of Candy Land.

Pip wanted to reach out to the poor fellow; losing a fight was never easy, especially the longer the winning streak. Instead, he continued to document the fall of the prideful No-Life King, for posterity's sake.

"Alucard-"

"I don't want to talk about it, it's humiliating," he buried his face in the coffin lining. Integra sighed.

"…I'm sorry," she murmured.

"No, Master, _I'm_ sorry. I'm sorry I can't protect you from this sexual deviant." He looked like he was about to cry, so Integra shut the lid.

Seeing her pet so out of sorts seemed to be the worst blow to Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. Pip briefly panned down to show her trembling hands, then moved it back to her face. Wordlessly, they left Alucard in peace to deal with his defeat.

Seras shut the door behind them, wiping tears from her eyes. Integra shook her head.

"I'm not about to let some demon push us around like this," she stated. Pip started to pan the camera around the hallway, picking up what they hadn't noticed before in their urgency to find Alucard; bloodstains, chunks of cement ripped out, deep gouges in the walls. Pip paused on a collection of gouges that, if one were to tilt their head and squint while drunk, might make out the word "BOOBS", "I don't care what it is; it'll be dealt with in the same manner as every other enemy of the Hellsing Organization. Seras, go burn some sage around the mansion. Pip, go break those goddamn DVDs; this all started after we saw _that_."

"And what will you do?" Seras asked, her voice quivering. Integra straightened.

"Fish out our last resort. I will swallow my pride, remove my biases, and make a call."

**Camera Seven:**

"Anderson, I have to ask a favor of you. I need an exorcism… Yes this is she… No this isn't a joke… Listen, there's a sex-crazed demon- …no it isn't Alucard! It's some incubus, and we've deduced that it wants to deflower and impregnate me… Very funny, priest. …Alucard was unsuccessful… Yeah, yeah, lap it up… Please, Anderson, as a human being to another human being… Yes, I'm a human being, not a monster… I'm serious, we're in very grave danger… We've _tried_ doing it ourselves, but it isn't responding to our defenses. We need someone who knows how to handle them. …fine, call me incompetent, but we're also desperate. So will you do it or not? …and what do you think Jesus would do in this situation?" Click. Sigh, "…it's all fun and games fighting the Catholics until you need an exorcism."

**III**

So…yes. I should cut back on my caffeine intake. Next is the conclusion of this story that gets odder as more time passes, and I must plead with you to suspend disbelief. This is a more "cheap laughs" sort of story than a deep, humorous, should-get-an-award-for-how-in-character-and-in-universe-it-is attempt. Don't take it seriously, because there are other matters that need more serious consideration. Such as is it possible to pull off an enjoyable live action Hellsing movie.


	3. The End

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Except for an incubus in a jar I release on unsuspecting straight men.

A/N: You're going to have to suspend your belief pretty hard; it's a crack ending, and majorly flawed. With that, I give you the epilogue.

**Three Days Later:**

"Just one more time, mon chere."

"I don't think I can," Seras whimpered.

"We might've missed somezing," Pip offered, gesturing towards the laptop. Her eyes brimmed with tears.

"I just don't know if I can handle it," she shook her head, "Both of my masters have been missing for three days now, without a word as to where they went. You've watched the movie, you know what that means!"

"It'z just a movie," Pip reminded her gently, "I'm sure ze director and Alucard are juuuust fine."

"THE DEMON THREW HER BODY AT THE CAMERA I DON'T THINK SHE'S FINE!"

Seras wiped at her eyes and sniffed. Walter was out searching for them again today, calling all of Integra's acquaintances to see if they knew anything. Apparently Integra's last conversation before her demise was to Anderson, who had turned a cold shoulder on their situation. And now she was probably dead.

But maybe Pip was right. Maybe they had missed something. She took a deep breath.

"Play it," she commanded. Pip struck the space bar.

Seras watched in tormented anticipation as Integra adjusted herself in her sleep, innocently unaware of her motions. For a brief moment her bare foot, unprotected by covers, hung over the side of her bed. She was unconscious, how was she supposed to know it was over the side of the bed?!

She flinched as Integra was violently yanked off the bed, crying out as she was dragged face-down out of her bedroom door. A short time later there were the heavy thuds as her body was dragged down the staircase, then a crash, and faster thuds like running footfalls. Integra appeared for a brief minute in the doorway of her room before she was tripped and dragged back down, screaming for help.

Then there was silence. The silence dragged on for close to a minute before heavy footed thuds ventured up the staircase. Seras braced herself when the thuds stopped, but still jumped when Integra's lifeless body was flung directly at the camera. Oh, she went out smiling…

Wait a minute.

"Pip, rewind. Is there any way to slow down that last bit?" Pip's chest puffed up.

"I can do a frame-by-frame," he boasted, then proceeded to do so.

The body was being hurled at an ungodly speed, but right before it hit the camera, Seras got a clear look at the face. The frozen smile. The big blue eyes. The easily tangled hair.

"Zat's not Sir Integra…"

"That's a Barbie doll!"

Before they could question the validity of the rest of the tape, the front door flew open, and there was the sound of someone sprinting in thick boots. Seras and Pip raced to the dining room to see Alucard in all of his red glory, crouching behind the kitchen island. He turned frantically to Seras.

"Save me," he begged. Seras stared.

"From what?"

"Integra."

"ALUCAAAAAAAAARD!"

The banshee scream came from the front door and it was all Pip could do not to mess his pants. That was an ungodly scream, a scream he had blissfully heard only a handful of times in his life. His instincts told him to hide, and so he tried to behind a cabinet door. Seras wheeled back towards Alucard.

"Is she possessed?!" She squeaked.

"Ooooh yeah," Alucard hunkered down.

Integra came into the kitchen looking like a more terrifying version of Rambo, clothes soaked in blood and wielding a machine gun Vasquez-style. Seras flattened herself against the fridge as Integra caught sight on her.

"Where the bloody hell is that bastard?!" She demanded. Seras stared at her.

"Your eyes…they're normal."

"Of course they're normal," Integra spat, "There was nothing wrong with me in the first place! There was nothing here except for the same goddamn demon there's always been!" The Barbie doll…

"…Alucard?"

"Yes, that son of a bitch."

"He did _all_ this?"

"Every last bit."

"The door swinging open? The imprint in the bed?"

"Vampires aren't caught on film."

"The pool cleaner?"

"And the dolls."

"The possession?"

"He overtook my mind."

"The kitchen fiasco in broad daylight?"

"He set an alarm to wake up when he knew I'd be having tea."

"The mist on the mirror?"

"All him."

"Even the attack?"

"He sunk so low as to do it to himself."

Seras bristled, anger rising up. All this time… All this time and all it was was a prank that went too far? She had lost sleep and cried over her master's stupid twisted sense of humor? Seras pointed her finger behind the island.

"He's right there. And I want a turn after you."

"If there's anything left of him, gladly."

Pip watched in terror as Integra gunned down the motionless Alucard, making him little more than fleshy Swiss cheese, and Seras stood by watching with satisfaction. Screw demons, Pip knew something that would scare the shit out of any man even if he saw it in a movie. Hell truly hath no fury such as a woman scorned.

**End**

I feel bad, I really do. I've been done with this story for awhile and yet I haven't posted the ending. I kept meaning to, but I forgot. I hope none of you were too highly suspensed over it; I didn't mean to drag it out. Anyway, here it is, mostly for completeness's sake.


End file.
